LOVE BEFORE MARRIAGE

Assalamualaikum Wa rahmatullah Wa barakatuhu

Praise be to Allaah.  

The issue of this marriage depends on the ruling on what came before it. If the love between the two parties did not transgress the limits set by Allaah or make them commit sin, then there is the hope that the marriage which results from this love will be more stable, because it came about as the result of the fact that each of them wanted to marry the other. 

If a man feels some attraction towards a woman whom it is permissible for him to marry her, and vice versa, there is no answer to the problem except marriage. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:

“We do not think that there is anything better for those who love one another than marriage.” (Narrated by Ibn Maajah, 1847; classed as saheeh by al-Busayri and by Shaykh al-Albaani in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah, 624) 

But if that marriage comes about as a result of an illicit love relationship, such as when they meet and are alone together and kiss one another, and other haraam actions, then it will never be stable, because they committed actions that go against sharee’ah and because they have built their lives on things that will have the effect of reducing blessings and support from Allaah, for sin is a major factor in reducing blessings, even though some people think, because of the Shaytaan’s whispers, that falling in love and doing haraam deeds makes marriage stronger.   

Moreover, these illicit relationships that take place before marriage will be a cause to make each party doubtful about the other. The husband will think that his wife may possibly have a similar relationship with someone else, and even if he thinks it unlikely, he will still be troubled by the fact that his wife did do something wrong with him. And the same thoughts may occur to the wife too, and she will think that her husband could possibly have an affair with another woman, and even if she thinks it unlikely, she will still be troubled by the fact that her husband did something wrong with her. 

So each partner will live in a state of doubt and suspicion, which will ruin their relationship sooner or later. 

The husband may condemn his wife for having agreed to have a relationship with him before marriage, which will be upsetting for her, and this will cause their relationship to deteriorate. 

Hence we think that if a marriage is based upon an illicit premarital relationship, it will most likely be unstable and will not be successful. 

With regard to arranged marriages where the family chooses the partner, they are not all good and not all bad. If the family makes a good choice and the woman is religious and beautiful, and the husband likes her and wants to marry her, then there is the hope that their marriage will be stable and successful. Hence the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) urged the one who wants to get married to look at the woman. 

 It was narrated from al-Mugheerah ibn Shu’bah that he proposed marriage to a woman, and the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, “Go and look at her, because that is more likely to create love between you.” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1087; classed as hasan by al-Nasaa’i, 3235) 

 But if the family make a bad choice, or they make a good choice but the husband does not agree with it, then this marriage is most likely doomed to failure and instability, because the marriage that is based on lack of interest usually is not stable.

 And Allaah knows best.

In Islam, it is not a sin to feel a specific way or feeling of affection for a certain individual since a human being has no control over such things. However, he is definitely responsible for the actions that follow. He will be accountable if he got carried away by this feeling. That is where a man has to restrain himself and protect himself from harm.

Islam does not allow the illicit relationship between a man and a woman. Allah has established the bond of marriage between a man and a woman so that both of them enjoy each other’s company in a legitimate way and both may attain Allah’s mercy and blessing. There is no blessing in an illicit affair.

 If a child asks his/her parent to get him/her married than they must do so immediately. Excuses like caste, race, color, society, financial status etc. are not accepted. The only things that matter are the deen of Allah and a good character. If you deny your child the right to marriage with the person of their choice on the grounds of financial status or caste than you are accountable for your action. May Allah protect us all.

Abu Hurairah narrates that the Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) said “when one with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks your daughter in marriage then accede to his request. If you do not do so then there will be a temptation in the earth and extensive corruption”. (Tirmidhi)

 Marriages that are done due to people falling in love are acceptable as long as they do not cross the limits set by Allah azawajal. If a person happens to love someone he/she should approach the other lawfully and get married immediately. For marriage will protect them from evil sexual desires and indeed from hellfire.

“And of His signs is that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you might reside with them, and has put love and mercy between you. Surely, there are signs in this for those who think. (al-Room: 21)

  “Whoever believes in Allaah and the Last Day, let him not be alone with a woman who has no mahram present, for the third one present will be the Shaytaan.” (Ahmad — saheeh by al-Albaani)

“And come not near to unlawful sex. Verily, it is a Faahishah (i.e. anything that transgresses its limits: a great sin, and an evil way that leads one to hell unless Allaah Forgives him)” (al-Isra’ :32)

“If one of you were to be stabbed in the head with an iron needle, that would be better for him than his touching a woman who is not permissible for him.” (al-Tabaraani –saheeh by al-Albaani)

 

Falling in love in Islam:

Islam does not blame a person’s feeling. One can have a feeling of love for known or unknown reason and he/she is not accountable for what he feels. The emotion of love that one feels is not the subject of questioning on the day of Judgement. But the actions that follow that emotion are accountable. If the actions lead to evil, it is forbidden. If it doesn’t then it is acceptable. If it prompts you to see that person in seclusion, talk to them for hours, hide that from your parents than it is forbidden, my brothers and sisters. 

Some Hadith and Quranic verses that support this:

"...... then be not soft in speech, lest he in whose heart is a disease (of hypocrisy, or evil desire for adultery) should be moved with desire” (Surah al-Ahzaab :32)

 Islam forbids all forms of ‘dating’ and isolating oneself with a member of the opposite sex, as well indiscriminate mingling and mixing. Correspondence between sexes leads to fitnah. If, however, one does none of the above, and all that he or she wants is to seriously consider marrying someone, such a thing itself is not considered haram. In fact, Islam encourages us to marry persons for whom we have special feelings and affinity. Thus, Islam recommends that potential marriage partners see one another before proposing marriage. Which in no sense means that we are allowed to “date”.

The permissible ways to get the one whom you loves are sufficient.

Contact the wali or the guardian of the person whom you desire to marry, there is no need for haraam means, but we make it hard for ourselves and the Shaytaan takes advantage of that.

 Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:

A person may hear that a woman is of good character and virtuous and knowledgeable so he may want to marry her. Or a woman may hear that a man is of good character and virtuous and knowledgeable and religiously committed, so she may want to marry him. But contact between the two who admire one another in ways that are not Islamically acceptable is the problem, which leads to disastrous consequences. In this case, it is not permissible for the man to get in touch with the woman or for the woman to get in touch with the man and say that he wants to marry her. Rather he should tell her wali (guardian) that he wants to marry her, or she should tell her wali that she wants to marry him, as ‘Umar (may Allaah be pleased with him) did when he offered his daughter Hafsah in marriage to Abu Bakr and ‘Uthmaan (may Allaah be pleased with them both). But if the woman contacts the man directly or if the man contacts woman directly, this is may lead to fitnah (temptation).

Marriage is a very special and sacred bond created by Allah subhana-wa-ta’ala between a man and a woman. Marriage makes them permissible for one another and lives a life of beauty. Allah azzawajal has described in glorious Quran this relationship in most beautiful terms and has mentioned that this bond is filled with love, mercy, compassion, security, and understanding.

“And among His signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts: Verily in that are signs for those who reflect. (Quran 30:21)

Thus a marriage is a blessing and a source of mercy and comfort for a man. It is also a very important Sunnah of our beloved Prophet Muhammad (saw)

The Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) said: “The Nikah is my Sunnah (way), whosoever leaves my Sunnah is not from amongst me” (Kitabus Sunan – Mishkat). In another narration he has narrated:  “Young men, those of you who can support a wife should marry, for it keeps you from looking at non-permissible females and protects you from immorality. However, those who cannot devote themselves to fasting, for it is a means of suppressing sexual desire.” (Bukhari and Muslim)

In Islam, a marriage is valid if both bride and groom have accepted the bond and by the permission of the parents of both of them. 

In shaa. Allah, we shall end here and may talk about *How To Be Romantic*from Islamic perspective , another time.

May Allah never let someone snatche your spouse and may Allah grant happiness in all marriages

Aameen